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Ville Beat Again, Dont Know How, Do Know When

Written by dappy

An interview with the last surviving representative of the little guy in this years cup, a guy with a team that still has players under 31 and actually does a little bit of training from time to time.

We last interviewed you (18070) just before you were knocked out in the quarter-final by Masters winners TPUV (483110536). That was in June of last year. The following season you were knocked out in R8 by matt- (497512189), who is your semi-final opponent on Tuesday.

After being knocked out in R6 last season (losing on penalties in R11 of the knockout cup), you've somehow managed to overturn England Prem legends Ville Warriors last week (526856743) to get to the semi-final this time. Some say you've been punching above your weight, but these results speak for themselves don't they?

Firstly I must be honest, with respect to the Headline to this interview, as I’ve never actually beaten Ville before, but “Ville beaten for the first time ever, don’t know how, do know when” really doesn’t fit the lyrics of the song.

Hey, don’t blame me, blame Vera Lynn.

Of course I'm delighted to get in the semis, a big thing for a little team like mine. To be honest, I still don’t like the new format for the cup, just makes it too easy for the big teams to progress, and takes away chance of a level 3 or 4 team having a great run in my view. Still would prefer a random draw.

Whilst we on the subject of the cups, I'd like to know is who or what is a “Jason Ivy” or a “Craig Wozniak” or a “George Carey” and what relevance do these have to relatively newer teams who tend to populate these cups?

I know it was a democratic vote to select the names, but those niceties don’t seem to matter too much these days. So I say, call in the CIA to destabilise, finance and organise a revolution to overthrow these daft names. OK, there will inevitably be a civil war in Hattrickland as a result, and thousands of Hattrickers might die and millions could become homeless, but hey, that’s the price of freedom.

You gained promotion from III.9 last season, and as luck would have it, you promoted into II.1 which is regarded as tougher than being in the Prem right now. A point against at home to Eldertree this week puts you 4th, albeit only 3pts clear of 7th with 3 to play. Your opening post on the series forum (16772349.1) says
So here I am in the heady heights of level 2 for the first time. I have had a quick scan of the ratings achieved by my opponents at this level and only really have one thing to say.......
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggg
ggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Cant see me troubling you for too long to be honest. Be gentle with me.

You do seem to be holding your own though?

Plan was to survive this season somehow and not bother with the cup too much. I have had outrageous fortune in both, making myself highly popular with league and cup foe alike. I have only one thing to say in response,
ner ner ner ner ner.

Have you any recent experiences of live music or Gorse bushes since our last interview? Last time we spoke you give a resounding thumbs up to Mad Dog Mcrea (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keOQ1E8aw4g). I for one rarely listen to anything else these days.

We seem in this country to be dangerously in thrall to our American cousins over the pond and far too keen to import their culture. So where we once used to have Guy Fawkes, with communities making their way together down country paths to be warmed by the bonfire to watch the fireworks with their family and neighbours whilst cherubic young lads once stood on street corners offering “a penny for the guy” (Jimmy Saville and catholic priests no doubt regarded that as quite a bargain), now we have the far inferior Halloween nonsense imported from the US.

Where Black Friday was once a really very fine Irish folk rock band from Cornwall (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btKso1-uFVA) last winter, bizarrely, it became some sort of shopping festival.

Arguably, the most pernicious of all attitudes imported from the US is our attitude to the military. 100 years ago, we learnt the hard way that going off to war is not a noble, honourable act. While it may sometimes be necessary, war is invariably a stain on humanity and should always be a last resort. But now we have imported an idealisation of all things military, the army are all heroes and beyond reproach, the military on a pedestal and war is again a noble pursuit. Its very dangerous. So to redress the balance a little, here is a ditty from Ferocious Dog. The lead singer’s son fought in Afghanistan, saw some terrible things and suffered mental illness as a result. Callously treated by the army, tragically he committed suicide. As a reminder of the tragic toll war exacts on decent combatants, their families and most of all innocent civilians caught up in the conflict , here is a song written in honour of his son. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btICcNeDBMk)

You do not have supporter, and last time you told us that your wife takes all available household cash as 'dress tokens'. After nearly 26 years together, you must now be an expert in long term relationship preservation. For any younger managers just starting out down this particular road, what would you regard as your top 5 tips (or compromises) that need to be made to keep a good relationship sweet after so many years?

Ah there have been, err, developments on that score. I met my new partner in the supermarket. We were both in the queue behind one of those little old women who despite going there for years still don’t seem to quite grasp how it works. So, as the check out girl finished her duties and it was time to pay the bill, a look of bewilderment spread over the little old lady's face as she began the long, flustered search through her voluminous bag for her apparently invisible purse. The fact she would be expected to pay appears to have come as a complete surprise. At first my new partner & I exchanged raised eyebrows, then started to chat, then because we got on quite well, had our first shag on the conveyor belt, livening up the day of the check out girl (I like to think), and finally, because the little old lady was still ineffectually rummaging through her bag, my new partner held her down while I stabbed her repeatedly. I like to think of it as a kindness.

We have been on the run ever since.

Do you still make it to your local pub, and what is your favourite tipple?

Which bit about being on the run don’t you understand?

To be honest there is a rather pleasant local pub I am happy to frequent where the beer is well kept, conversation convivial and young ladies from Eastern Europe, almost all of whom seem to be called Magda, unaccountably from time to time seem to have an overwhelming desire to take off all their clothes. Perhaps the pub does tend to turn the heating up a bit too high. All rather odd but not unattractive.

Now you are no longer with the wife, any plans to revise your decision not to buy Supporter?

Why on earth would I pay good money for a few bolt-on additions that I don’t really need. Life is too much like this. No, I don’t want to pay extra for my bank account to get travel insurance I will not need, legal insurance I will never call on and a dogwalking service for a dog I don’t own. I just want my bank to be a bank. I don’t want my phone to tell me the time in Tokyo, the weather in Moscow and take yet more inane poor quality holiday snaps, I just want to use it to make and receive phone calls. I don’t need or want Supporter – instead I will save the cash to buy beer, give to charity or push down the comely underwear of one of the Magdas.

Do you have a favorite piece of art you could share with us?

Well TV is art, so….

Upon returning home of an evening after a hard day at work and a long trip home (via circuitous routes to avoid the waiting fuzz), I am rather partial to a comedy panel show (Mock the Week, Would I Lie To You, that sort of thing) . At least I was. I don’t ask for much, I just want it to be funny. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe passionately in equality of opportunity and really don’t care if you are black/white, female/male, gay/straight, disabled/able-bodied, earthling/vulcan. However on a comedy show I just want the six funniest people they can find to entertain me. I do not want one of the panel being there purely BECAUSE they are black/gay/female/ disabled to “more closely resemble society”. If they are not funny it seems deeply patronising to that person, to know they are just there to fulfil some quota. It is even more patronising when you learn that the decision to hire them is being taken by a white, male, middle class, privately educated, Oxbridge graduate, some self-satisfied twerp called Tarquin. It is precisely jobs like Tarquin’s that should be (and aren’t) being opened up to minorities to earn on their merits.

The Craig Wozniak cup this week, features two of your II.1 league-mates, Blackburn and Red as the top 2 seeds in the last 8. Please have a quick look at it and tell us who you fancy to win it and why?

Being in the real cup semi-final, it is clearly beneath me to concern myself with such inferior trifles.

Actually, either of the teams in my league could win it, Blackburn in particular have a team far better than mine and are being royally shafted by the match engine this season. I am so gutted for them I find it hard to sleep!

(https://uk.search.yahoo.com/search?p=picture+party&fr=yfp-t-903)

Wycombe Wanders finished 4th in league 2 this term. Do you see this as a job well done by Gareth Ainsworth, and who would you select as your top 3 players of the season?

Gareth Ainsworth is an all time super hero for getting a small team to Wembley (where we lost the play off final on penalties after conceding an equaliser in extra time injury time.) maybe I’ll emulate him by winning my semi final on Tuesday!

(http://sketchoholic.com/K-Bladin/images/3046/flying-pigs)

England NT seem to be having a good season for a change. ADGHD has put us top of Group 5 in Q1 by 5pts with 5 to play, and he's also in charge…

Err sorry have to interrupt you, there are some Rozzers coming up the drive.

(http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2013/jan/16/straight-rozzers/)

Afraid I’ve got to leave.
out the back,
quickly,
now.

For those old enough to remember Simon Bates, I leave you with my and Magda’s “our tune”

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts720RUn-Q0)