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A Week in the Life of an NT Coach

Written by Darth_Hansen

A not-too-serious insider look at what goes on behind the scenes in a typical week for an NT Coach.

Monday: Do nothing much, but make sure you sound very busy and important when responding to mails to owners about prospects. Make sure mails are answered at the earliest 24 hours after received - even if you have nothing better to do - to re-enforce that impression. Most of them will stop bugging you when they find out that MS in the NT context typically means “Divine, then secondaries”.

Tuesday: Take a glance at your opponent for Friday, and start the process of justifying the decision you have already made for how to play. Spend some frustrating minutes looking for managers insane- or nationalistic enough to continue training your over-trained monsters. If you are in a small country, swear a bit and give up. If you are in a large country, give up, and dump them in a Farm as usual. Swearing here is optional.

Wednesday: Start the process of reading your opponents national conference with the help of crappy online translators for clues on how they will play. Fail miserably to understand a word of what is going on, but use the mention of ‘343’ somewhere in the incomprehensible mumbo-jumbo to add to the aforementioned justification for your already chosen line-up (*).

Thursday: Plant some token false information about your own line-up, attitude, and tactics in your own conference. Use simple words, so your opponent’s crappy on-line translation program has a decent chance of keeping up. Your opponent will obviously also only be using this information to justify his already chosen lineup to himself, so it has no practical value, but some traditions should not be questioned. Do Xmas trees make sense?

Friday: Check out the form updates for both teams. No matter what has happened, bitch loudly about ‘the form monkey’ in your national conference so you have a ready-made excuse should you lose. Change coach every few minutes for no particular reason and keep checking your opponents coach even though you know he is doing exactly the same. Set you team. Start watching the game. Discover there are only 2 other people on-line in your country, and decide to watch re-runs of old Baywatch episodes instead. The game itself will be decided by HTRF.

Saturday: If you have won, bask in the glory of your ‘tactical genius’, ‘fantastic research’, ‘great misinformation campaign’, or ‘brilliant use of substitutions’. Make sure you vary these from week to week, and feel free to use combinations when HTRF has been particularly nice to you. If you have lost, use the form monkey excuse you prepared earlier and/or HTRF. Injuries and red cards can come in handy here as well. Any SE's for your team are due to your brilliant insight in fielding players with the right specialties. SE's for your opponent are down to dumb luck.

Sunday: Rest. It’s been a busy week…

(*) Also works for the mention of ‘352’ but not as well…